Metal Gear Solid 4 Behind the Scenes: Big Boss's Awakening (SPOILERS)

Esta es una historia escrita en el foro de MGS4 de Gamefaqs por SoquidusBocelot. Es totalmente ficticia, pero está bastante graciosa (si es que han jugado el título).

Generalmente traduzco al español los artículos en inglés que encuentro en algún sitio de la red; por ahora lo dejaré en inglés y posiblemente lo traduzca pronto.

Yo no lo he editado, la censura está así porque fue posteado en Gamefaqs que no permite palabras fuertes.

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Big Boss: ….*opens eye* ….? …*gets up off his bed and notices that a huge metallic door is opened where he was once trapped inside* ..Huh. *steps outside of the room and looks at the front of the door* 

“Warning: Will NOT open unless The Patriots are defeated which will…probably not ever happen.”

Big Boss: …huh…Wait…shouldn’t I be dead? Aw crap! This must be Hell! Where Kojima will keep retconning me to no end until I lose my ****ing mind for all eternity. I shouldn’t have shot Raikov in the balls… Oh wait, Outer Heaven. Yeah, I ****ed up. …Not like I had any time to go to church either. I was too busy planning on how to rule the world with my false views on what The Boss really wanted. Hmm. Well..whatever. This horribly eternity of retconning can wait until I finish taking a leak.

[Big Boss walks into a nearby restroom and finishes his 15 year old business, when all of a sudden he sees a beard reaching all the way down past his feet while buttoning up his pants]

Big Boss: WHAT THE HE- *runs over to the mirror* OH SH-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[Two Hours Later…]

Big Boss: *steps out of the restroom with a neatly trimmed beard and some kind of yellow trench coat thing he found in the laundry room* …I don’t think I’ve felt this good in fifteen years! I wonder what’s been going on in the world. *gets on the computer and checks his MySpace*

MySpace Voice Feature: Hello, Big Bass. You’ve got ten billion friend requests, five billion comments, two thousand picture comments, and two messages.

Big Boss: *goes to Message folder* DAMN IT OCELOT! I thought I blocked you two decades ago!

Ocelot’s MySpace Message: I miss you man. :/ Just so you know, I commented all of your pictures until Liquid’s arm fell off (I went out and got a prosthetic instead of putting it back on) and well like…sigh. I miss the good old days! Foiling people’s plans and quadruple crossing people just isn’t as fun as it used to be, since you’re not around to yell “HUH!? WHAT!? WHY!?” so that I can talk for five hours explaining my evil plan to you only so that it gets foiled ten minutes later. So…I’m going to try and get you out of that damn cell your body is in. I’ll see what I can do. Oh, and if you ever wake up, be sure to read about the Shadow Moses, Tanker, and Big Shell incident. Sleep well.

Big Boss: **** you. *goes to read other message*

Kojima: Hey man, what’s up? Last time we met, I handed you the script to pretend to be trying to kill Solid Snake with an assault rifle while he owns you with an aerosol can and a lighter. Well I’ve got a new script for you now. I brought you back to life because I wanted to bring as many characters back for MGS4 as I possibly could (The Pain was the only one who couldn’t make it. I even brought back that old guy that strangled Solid Snake before he had the ingenious plan to shoot missiles at his own back to get him off instead of using CQC) and you have a very important role. You sneak up on Solid Snake while he’s at the graveyard visiting your grave and you try to explain all of this **** I wrote on this script for you by holding a pen with my ass. It won’t make any sense to you or anything since you’ve been asleep for fifteen years, but if Snake has any questions just say nanomachines and he’ll understand perfectly. Now get going! The credits are going to roll in an hour in which you must complete your infiltration mission to push Major Zero in a wheelchair without Solid noticing. This will later become a PSP game on it’s own, but not yet.

Big Boss: What in the ****……

Kojima: Just pretend it makes sense okay. NOW GO. There’s a scooter outside of this impenetrable Area 51 fortress. You’re Big Boss, you will use your Bass powers to sneak out unnoticed and travel 50,000 miles on your scooter alone to make it.

Big Boss: *sigh*…

(Insert MGS4 Big Boss Scene with Solid Snake)

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Jack -Out!